dont get drowned in my sea of thoughts'

2011-04-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

i need to blog i need to blog. left choir room 'earlier' than normal because couldnt take the atmosphere. could imagine it being worse after i left. oh well, scared cant take it.

old cliche goes, "all good things have to come to an end". didnt really understand that well when i was your age (young), so resistant to change. but i think i am much much better, surprised at myself. now more accepting and just treasuring memories, enjoying the process.

last official day at work. to be honest it got very tiring in the middle at some point, but the end seems really worth it. all those rollercoaster rides with kids, which i thought i handled well seemed nice to remind me of how attached i am to something really important.
i think i surpassed the goals, targets i set for myself? i hope i did more!

here are some shoutouts!

1Humility: Thanks for the pizza which you all ordered! i think you guys are really amazing, you have to bond with each other a lot more! dont let michael's leaving affect anyone of you. be more tolerant! and have big heart.

2 Endurance: Really huge rollercoaster ride with this bunch of kids. upset, disappointed at times, but turned out great! dont leave anyone behind okay. more tolerance, big heart.

EL dept: Thanks teachers for the makan session after school! will miss working with you all. i really really learnt alot from my time here.

UVPHS: its what i came here for in the first place. didnt know much about you guys in the first place, apart from some of the current sec 4s. all of you are dear to my heart. continue to grow strength to strength, and take care of each other. :)

Com: excellent job leading this bunch of people. hope you will remember the times when i have my super long debriefs with you all! well done.

Beverly, Melissa Chan, Melissa Ng, Emileen, Amelia (no particular order of preference):

thank you for going the extra, extra mile for me :) some really really extra!

will miss phs. but its not goodbye yet!

2011-03-08T05:17:00.000-08:00

i guess its just easier to be the nice guy.

why do i even try otherwise.

2011-01-19T23:44:00.000-08:00

you've gotta ask yourself what do you want from this stint? do you want to educate, open young minds, impact their lives in one way or another? or just be a friend like you usually are around people? because it certainly seems easier to be a friend. is it possible to have both then? educate, and be a friend? theres such a fine line between them.

if i want to educate, how far will i go to ensure these young children will be good? if i want to be a friend, how much of a friend should i be? what about teaching children something that you love, but they dont necessarily share the same "passion" with you? isit worth it then?

at the end of the day, its not about the money cause i am really underpaid, for the things i do, staying back, putting in at least 10 hours at least 3 times a week for them. will they know where i am coming from every time i shout at them? like who loves shouting man, i'd very much rather be sitting down with all of them and talk crap have a nice chat.

sometimes i think about what else could i have been doing without this job, like slacking at home waiting for time to pass, rather than throw myself straight into the same boring routine for the past 6 years.

i am stuck here because i want to see payday, and the day comes when all uvphs choristers are of one heart, one mind, one soul, one family. then nothing else really matters already :)

2011-01-17T04:27:00.000-08:00

Kuek Jing: its really so heartbreaking and disappointing, when u give 300%, but get only 10% back.

and worst still when people dont even know that they are doing so.

very horrible day today, so much so i have to break my silence on this blog for like what how many months?
teaching is really crazy and who said relief teaching was easy when you have 3 classes to teach, AND extra circular activity!

oh actually the relief teaching part is the easy part, but argh i havent ever been this disappointed doing something i really love and passionate about all my life.

2010-09-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

prelims gave me the usual 50-50 feeling? so far always feel okay okay about it then come out the results super cui! haha. but i know for sure math is a goner ahhh. didnt finish dont know how to do, know how to do also most prob wrong! gotta fix my problem with carelessness!!

h2 math paper 2, bio chem paper 1 left! haha. hope i dont slip back into my relaxed gear again.

2010-03-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

heres another post filled with subtleties you might go crazy haha. oh well i am going to make my point.

was doing my own thinking and yeah really kinda sorted it out.

sometimes i think relationships are like a super long journey between two blind people.
imagine 2 blind people, who are on a long crazy journey of life, not knowing where are the right paths and cannot really see for themselves the future, and can only walk by feeling, experimenting. thats in a world full of blind people la, no one can see cleary.

the blind person in question never stops walking, because he knows he needs to keep moving on, continuing his journey. it was probably a pretty tough but manageable time walking alone, feeling his way around, making mistakes and probably repeating them. and along came this very nice and wonderful partner who appears to make it all better. this partner seems to know the road very very well and seems pretty reliable, and that both know they can count on each other. so these two blind people decide to walk this terrible long journey together, they rely on each other very very much, they remind each other of the wrong turns they took, encourage each other, and it really made the journey alot easier to walk.

keep in mind, this blind person keeps walking. if you cant keep up with him, you are probably not the one who is meant to walk together with him. dont cheat and make use of any other walking aids either, such as your walking stick,getting directions from other people, getting an eye transplant etc, to show that you are someone who is able to become a pillar of support. because all these will just fall apart, they are just not meant to last the distance.

also dont keep falling down as a partner, because this blind person will lose trust in you, in his initial perception of your reliance. you are supposed to be his guide and aide, and you cant just keep failing right? this blind person might pick you up for a few times, but dont expect him to always do so. his journey takes priority more than anything else.

think about it, if his partner is not anything special, trustworthy, reliable, why would this blind person drop all signs of independence to rely on him/her? wouldnt there be no difference from picking any of the other blind people living in this fictional world?

you might not understand this post, but it doesnt matter, because i know at some point in life this is going to be applicable to you, this whole little thought experiment of mine.

i dont wish to know how this should end.

2010-03-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

its the little things that count i guess, be it the packed food, questions like "how your day went", home made breakfast with a note and pipa gao in the morning and the list goes on which can all be only summed up to one word: LOVE.

LOVE is a pretty complicated thing, and i think you dont need to be in a relationship to experience this, because it can be found anywhere, family, your best buddies. It doesnt really mean as much to say "i love you" when the actions do not include any of the above mentioned, which of course represent the care and concern of any individual. i believe the actions speak for themselves and when people actually do these things for people, the effect of saying those 3 words are just but a minor reaffirmation yet poor representation of how one truly feels for the parties related.

yet i must state the obvious opposite, to not say those wonderful words and not do any of those things at all would be a little tricky. of course there might be a phase where these things stop, the negative atmosphere, everyone feels upset. Yet deep inside we still do know that these mutual feelings exist and we know they would last for very long.
however i guess these feelings and thoughts and all the negativity builds up over time and in the end everyone just wants to hide. its very tough, everyone wants to be the victim. we want to wallow in self pity, portray ourselves as the victims, even as adults, cause thats really the easiest and simplest thing to do.

so if everyone on earth suddenly decides to do that, wont that be tragic.
someone has to really take the initial step, to try to build that bond, if you really want to experience this thing called LOVE, no matter how hard it is, because some things wont change, like family bonds whether you like it or not.

and to a certain extent it is such a tiring thing viewing from a distance for all these years, yet i am glad that these experiences have taught me alot about how life should be, the decisions we make, and how they impact one another. i hope things work out for them yet i cant help yet marvel at the way MY life has been going.

many sour notes, but
i have got everything i need :)

pardon the poor english, just speed typing and sharing my thoughts.
enough said!

2010-02-20T23:19:00.000-08:00

its been awhile!

life has been great, really great :) hahaha.

2010-01-26T03:20:00.000-08:00

its so easy to just walk away.

its okay i am used to it.
disappointment, that sinking feeling?

i am trying hard already alright.
please show me a sign that you are too.

2010-01-22T22:20:00.000-08:00

i can safely say that 2010 had a great start and i am not just procastinating and putting my plans into action. i am not lagging behind in tutorials except p and c, and still manage to slot in time for revision amidst all the different commitments that i have.

hopefully i can maintain this pace so that it can last all the way till As. should start counting down soon, maybe i would when it comes down to the hundreds.

staying upbeat, happy and optimistic is a great way to focus :)

i dont think i have much of a need to blog anymore haha.

2010-01-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

wow looks like i am returning to bio! hahaha surprised.

cant sleep.

i think its a different world i am stepping into, maybe thats why its weird. but i think my worries are unfounded.

2010-01-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

i have not been updating my blog! possibly because life has been such a hurry in a way that i cannot explain. in a blink of an eye the new year has arrived. i dont even feel prepared for 2010, which is my moment. all 12 years of education, to sit for this important A levels, where your grades would determine the course you want to take, which would then determine the level of pay you would receive.

they say life is not just about material comfort and all, but its a real world we live in. the world is getting more competitive as all the different countries open up their markets, literacy levels go up, everyone wants to make money. not that i am all fanatic about striking it rich and be a millionaire, since life is indeed not all about that. i want to follow my passions too, to live the dreams like people do, yet make a decent income.

but i guess this is part of life too right? there has got to be a sacrifice. to maintain the levels of this lifestyle which i consider to be very comfortable, and provide this same lifestyle to my parents and my little sis in future, along with my own possible family, i really really really feel the pressure to do well. because basically, its just like your last shot. i just have to though i dont know how to.

the thing is, i am really at a loss. i have never been an overachiever, rather i never wanted to be. doing amazingly well is just for smart, nerds, muggers, geniuses, which just isnt me. you cant even describe me with any of these words. somehow, throughout my life, i have always been able to scrape through with that little bit of intellect. i could not slack and put in significantly less hard work, and during the end, give myself a little push, do all the last minute work, let that little intellect do the talking. and i could make it.
maybe thats why i have always been overconfident, underestimating exams, and its no surprise if that attitude leaked into my life and habits too. being late, leaving things to the last minute. but i dont want to change. i like being that comfortable, doing things at my own pace. maybe i like the challenge of giving a handicap, and then overcome things against the odds, which would definitely sweeten whatever victory you achieve, and yet at the same time provide an excuse when you fail. you can just say, sorry i just didnt put in enough effort.

but its a whole new ball game now. study habits have to change, mindsets have to change. i know i am typing this to try to remind myself to change myself, but its just so difficult. promos wasnt enough of a shock was it? you just had to waste your holidays, thinking, doing rubbish, daydreaming, idling, not putting time into good use. you know you FAILED promos, and you merely advanced maybe not by merit, but with teacher's recommendation or whatever red tape i dont know. holiday homework is such a nuisance. i actually told myself to do revision for all the things that have gone wrong after the homework, but i cant even bring myself to finish my homework. as i am typing this post, i am trying to evenly spread out the remaining minimum amount of holiday homework left remaining between the last few days leading up to reopening of school. trying hard to finish this bio package which i told myself to complete after i finish typing this post.

i am losing this battle of will, somewhere in me says that promos was a fluke, you can do better than that, and you just happened to not feel good during those days.

but that was in 2009. right now, i am still living in 2009. i can still afford to indulge myself with this mindset for a little while more. 1st january came too early. This blurry and awesome week started only 2 hours before the 2nd jan came knocking to tell you "hey its officially the new year." i am very happy and this is definitely the happiest period of my 2009. but i know the indulgences will end very soon.

my 2010 starts on 11th jan. make good on my promise, change yourself mr kuek. there is no time.

and you, i know you'd help me. :) its really my biggest blessing to have known you.

i'd probably not return to my bio package, for now.
till then! ^^

2009-12-19T06:14:00.000-08:00

holier than thou.

2009-12-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

first shot at carolling was awesome,

but it made me think of the large gap we have yet to fill from our seniors.

so technically yesterday's performance cannot really count towards closing the gap because some seniors returned.

but yeah we'll only get better haha.

2009-12-09T05:40:00.001-08:00

i found it.

yes i think i really found it this time.

no more excuses, no more regrets.

this is

wonderful!

2009-12-01T01:24:00.001-08:00

i really believe that we choose our friends, subconsciously or consciously, since its a relationship which doesnt exactly have an eternal bond.

some appear from around you and they grow in importance,
some come from your own initiative, or the other party's,
or the most unexpected places.

therefore, not good to expect too much?
since its that easy to break, though its difficult to build.

maybe the one time this statement gets really proven wrong, perhaps will mean your friend is really special and dear?
and it'll last.

2009-11-25T10:28:00.001-08:00

its 2.28am now, and i am feeling super tired.

but i just cant fall asleep!!!

is there alot going through my mind?
i dont even know.

2009-11-21T18:51:00.001-08:00

i think its through these things i will be able to grow.

:)

argh choir later at night, and choir choir everyday next week.

pessimist

2009-11-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

i dont know when i started like developing this need/want.
i mean like why now.
life has been great without it what.
does it come with age?
or is it because of the mounting pressures of school life,
i can no longer manage my emotions well anymore.

thoughts start to drift away too easily, quick to anger, jump to conclusions, maybe even quicker to judge, alot more pessimistic about life, the list goes on.

it just feels like a huge change upon myself has taken place, and i dont know how to deal with it.

you want to run away but you are staring at the face of it everyday.

so what you want to do now kuek, force a smile like you usually try to and childishly wishing that problems will get solved on its own?

i need a counsellor lol :D

1st post!

2009-11-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

okay just changed the blogskin, redid my blog!
FIRST POST.
let it be a new beginning :)